Too many irons, not enough fires

Do you ever feel like you are on the wrong path? Today, I feel like I’m running into Cheshire cats with multidirectional road signs everywhere. It’s not just one thing or another, either. It’s pretty much everything. I desperately want to be successful, but nothing I do ever does get to that point. The reason always boils down to one thing: I’m a self-saboteur.

Take my career (please?) for instance, I have 17 years of experience in the space industry. I’m only 35. That’s almost half my lifetime devoted to this stuff.  For a very long time, my dream was to work in the NASA Public Affairs office, but the only way I could get there was by being a contractor. Contractors are treated like third class citizens in that office and after three years I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I was never good enough to join the elite civil service cult. Well, actually I was good enough – that’s one thing I know for sure. Unfortunately, those in the position to hire branded me with a scarlet ‘C’ and would never bring me on board. So I left.

Basically, that whole situation makes me feel like a total failure. I know I’m not, but man it sure does seem that way. The worst thing is that I have a strong fear of failure. It inhibits every project I’ve ever started. If I never finish, nobody will tell me how bad I suck, right? So my latest aversion therapy to all of this fear is to throw an insane amount of projects against the wall and hope one sticks. I know it’s probably not the best way to handle things, but that’s where I am.

Right now, I’m working on a children’s book for my master’s project. It’s so very cute and the concept is just what the genre needs right now. But it’s so damn hard to finish it. People keep asking me if I will try to get it published. I’d like to, but I’m afraid what will happen to my psyche if nobody is interested in it.

I also have this cute little online store that sells dress up clothes. When I took the initiative to market it, I made quite a bit of money. Then I panicked. With a full time job, school and a child I was afraid of what it would become. And if I poured my heart into it and it failed, then what?

Another thing I like to do is make jewelry. It’s very cool to think up a design and actually make it happen with my own two hands. I’d love to sell it, but what if nobody wants my designs?

Now I feel like I’m in total limbo. My tender self-esteem needs a boost. Luckily, when I left my so-called dream job this great PR firm took me in, gave me a pay raise and a cool spacey project and for that I’m thankful.

I can’t help but wonder what’s next. Will I find that one job that makes me happy? Will a job make me happy or do I need fulfillment with something else? Seriously, something’s gotta give here and I hope to hell it isn’t my sanity.