I had dinner with my aunt and uncle last week and we spent a good portion of our time talking about my messed up childhood and dilusional family. It really got me thinking about how I handle relationships and how my actions tie into how I was (or wasn’t) raised.
The fact is, we are all products of our environment. Great families or bad families; wealthy neighborhoods or fifth-wheel trailers near a border town; variations of abuse or picturesque childhoods – all of these things (among many) shape who we are and who we become. Some of us choose to cling to the bad and use these experiences as a crutch to excuse behavior in the present. Some choose to use them as reasons why they don’t behave in certain ways. Others just take it day by day.
I can attest to the fact that all of the above situations have shaped who I am and who I will be in the future. However, I’ve come to realize that the largest influences in my life are the people I meet along the way. As someone who comes from a very volatile and disjointed family, relationships have often filled that void for me. And I realize that is often more responsibility than some people can handle. I just wish I could learn to realize it before I invest too much and get seared to a crisp.
You see, getting ousted has happened to me so many times, as far back as I can even remember, that over-investing is clearly a pattern of behavior I need to curb. My best friend from high school dropped me like a bad habit right after graduation. An entire group of girls I was friends with for 6-7 years just didn’t like me at all, and vice versa. Others were just waiting for me to screw up once so they could find a window of opportunity to blow me off. I don’t even want to get into my family abandonment issues. Unfortunately, this is just a small sample, but I attribute these episodes to a handful of reasons:
- Sometimes (most of the time) I’m just not good enough.
- Sometimes I mess up and my apologies are not good enough (always).
- Sometimes people just suck (a lot).
- Sometimes life just happens (which I think is the laziest excuse – ever).
- Sometimes we are only friends of circumstance (total waste of time).
- Sometimes people are just incredibly self-centered (yes, we all are to some extent – I know this).
But, aside from the notches on my bedpost of relationships past, I do genuinely cherish the people I’ve met, value those I’m friends with now (both in real life and virtually), and I can’t wait to see what comes next. My life is never too full for my relationships. I feel like I can never have enough.
(P.S.) I edited the hell out of this and cut some meaty stuff. Self-censorship is a bitch.
(P.P.S.) This isn’t my typical blog post so I do apologize for that. I chalk it up to having too much time to think the past few days. That usually leads to dangerous things and/or numerous unfinished projects…
Reason, season or lifetime…
I absolutely live your post! It is so true and we all have those events, people, places, it things that shape who we are live how we live.
Yes, it’s harsh reality sometimes, but so very true.
I feel your pain. I wrote about something similar last summer. Oh, how I wish we lived closer and could share a bottle of wine! Is it better to meet people online and feel connected in that distant way, or not to know at all the cool people who are out there?
I would love to share a bottle with you! I’m actually much happier knowing people like you exist albeit at a distance from where I am. Connections are connections regardless of proximity.
I actually liked this post. thank you. I will keep coming back