I was recently called the “hired help.” Sure, it was in jest, but in reality, that’s what I am. Whether or not that statement stems from someone else’s insecurity, it makes me sad. I’ve struggled for 20 years in my career to build up something meaningful only to fall short every time I turn around. It sucks. I hate it. Not once is my performance praised long enough for it to matter. Or long enough before a reprimand or ‘you should have’ is uttered.
I’ve also grown weary of the unqualified arrogance I experience on such a frequent basis. Are they faking it until they make it or are the so disillusioned that they actually think they are that good? I’m thinking it’s the latter and I feel sad for their ignorance.
What it boils down to is that I have officially succumbed to my inadequacy. My inability to focus on one thing has made me a Jane of No Trades. I have no answers at this point. I mean, I got a master’s degree, only for it to not amount to anything worthwhile. I have more than 20 years of experience in my field, only to be belittled on a daily basis. I’m over it. I’ve reached the point of defeat.
When I decided my word for 2014 would be ‘evolution,’ I wasn’t entirely on-board with that. But now, I think that the chips are falling. Hard. I can see that my ability to hang on, to maintain the status quo, is thinning. I need to be in a position that builds me up, not one that tears me down with every move I make. I need to evolve in so many ways. I need to take charge and design my own future.
But what do I bring to the table? Well, I’m an expert at media relations, communications, writing, strategy and social media. Yeah, sure, and so are 2.5 million other people in the U.S. and 2.495 million of them are better than I am. Or so they say.
I don’t know…I’m rambling and I do apologize for that. Wait. No, I’m not sorry that I’m pissed. I’m not sorry that I’m almost 40 and I’ve made absolutely nothing of myself that is of any value to anyone. I am sorry that I cannot seem to focus or find a strong direction or find someone to help me figure out what the Hell I’m supposed to do. I’m not sorry for any of that. I simply haven’t had the time to devote to focusing on these efforts, whatwith me being the hired help and all…
Maybe my evolution for 2014 means it is time for an overhaul. Sean 4.0. It’s not like I am a stranger to reinvention. I just need a new motivation to get there. Maybe what happened recently is that thing? I don’t know. Maybe. I guess that just remains to be seen.