“Momma, when you die, will you ask God to send you back to me?”
Wow.
That’s not the typical light-hearted bedtime conversation I have with Ava. She is usually fretting over which stuffed animal belongs where and what book she will read to me that night. And I’m usually arguing with her about how she needs to go to sleep, how she needs to wake up early to eat breakfast before she catches the bus.
Discussions of mortality are not the standard for us.
I kissed her on the forehead, evading the question altogether.
“When you die, what kind of grave do you want?” she went on. ”Would you like the kind that covers you from the rain? I could put a Winnie the Pooh on it with a jar of honey. That would be nice.”
I was completely caught off guard. I’m just not prepared for her to ask these kinds of questions.
She hugged my neck and didn’t want to let go. This is her usual routine, but on most nights, she clings to me because she doesn’t want to go to sleep, afraid to miss out on life and the wonders of her bedroom that pique her interest in the quiet of the night. I could tell she was holding on for a different reason this time.
Honestly, I was holding on, too. I fought hard the giant lump in my throat and responded.
“I would love the kind that covers me from the rain,” I told her. “And Winnie would be a really nice touch. Thank you.”
The fact is, I do look at Ava and think about her growing up and what things will be like years from now when I’m gone. When she turns 38, like I am now, I’ll be almost 70. Who knows if I’ll be around to see her get married or have children of her own. I see her as a grandmother, sweet and kind, long after I’m gone. It makes me sad.
Mortality makes me sad.
Probably what makes this hardest on me is that I don’t believe in God, or Jesus or any other religious deity.
That’s right – I just came out publicly as an atheist.
Ironically, I was raised a Christian and I have ministers in my family. Part of my family is even Jewish. But religion was not passed down to me. Other than Christmas and Easter, we didn’t discuss, or partake in religious practices as a family. When I was younger, I often went to church with my friends and my parents never seemed to mind. I even spent summers at vacation bible schools. My parents, well, I think they tried to give us values as best they could, but religion just wasn’t in the picture.
I spent the better part of my tween and teen years learning about different religions – Judaism, Buddhism, Confucianism, the list goes on. Aside from the basic teachings of each, nothing clicked. I think my brain is just too scientific to process the concept of faith. I need facts. I just can’t comprehend how faith works. And, aside from being moderately convinced that reincarnation is real, I have no idea what happens to us when we pass on. Sure, I’ve seen ghosts and spirits. Souls who seem trapped in a life on replay. They seem lost and lonely, like they are searching for something, someone to make them real again. But I fail to see how this energy, this scientific phenomenon, fits into the religious picture.
Despite my personal convictions, we sent Ava to a Christian pre-school where she learned about Jesus and God and even prayed over lunch. It’s important to me that she be exposed to both sides of the equation. Not just because we live in the Bible Belt, but because I feel faith should be a personal choice.
As a mother, when faced with complicated questions like, “Where do we go when we die?” I can see where religion plays a comforting role. It makes sense, but it’s just not for me. My goal is to let her make her own choices, to develop her own beliefs and find what works for her.
And, as a mother, I feel my role is to help shape her values, help guide her on the path to self discovery. One of the most important values I hope to pass on to her is tolerance. At seven, she understands that not everyone believes the same thing. She doesn’t strive to be the one who is right, the winner of religion. She is tolerant. That makes me proud. And grateful.
“Momma, you are 38 and that’s old,” she continued. “I’m going to be a grandma in, like, a minute and you will be gone.”
I squeezed her closer and assured her as best I could.
“I’m still very young, Ava. And it will be a very long time before you are a grandma. We still have so many more years together.”
Her gorgeous blue eyes were misty. She smiled and hugged me tightly again.
“I love you, Momma. More than you can ever imagine,” she said.
I fought hard against the tears welling up from deep inside, hugged her back and breathed in the sweet smell of her hair, her skin, her beauty.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that being a parent is equally as hard as it is rewarding. Before becoming a mother, the thought of not reuniting with my loved ones in an afterlife was just reality for me. Now, I already miss her, but I am thankful for every moment I have with her in this life.
This post was updated from a previous post from Spring 2013 as my submission to Listen to Your Mother.
This is beautiful, Sean. It sounds like you are doing a great job of cherishing every moment with Ava. And she is doing a great job, too!
I have a similar take on religion. Jack recently told me that he is “sensitive” about the words God and Jesus, although he doesn’t believe in either of them. He gets bent out of shape if kids at school say those words in front of him, like they are too sacred to talk about. I don’t know where he got it from!
Ewokmama recently posted..No IEP For Jack
That’s really interesting about Jack. I do wonder where he gets that from. You are doing such a wonderful job with him (his little face is so full of light!). I can’t wait to see what he thinks of being a big brother!
What a sweet girl you’re raising! My daughter asks me similar questions (she’s 10) and it’s so difficult to discuss. I think the greatest gift we can give them is answering them with what we know to be true and reassuring them of how very loved they are. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post.
Lisa recently posted..The Power of One
Thank you, Lisa. It means a lot to me to have your feedback. It’s true we can just teach them what we know. I do try to let her explore on her own, as much as it makes sense for a seven year old. We are born of the same blood, but not the same heart or brain. Our children need to be empowered to find their own way. XO
Absolutely touching post. I, too, am an atheist (although raised Christian). I have tried to explore other faiths, but, for me, kindness, love, and general respect for one another as humans is my core set of values. These questions from our little ones are so heartbreaking. I hate that they are learning about mortality, that we will not always be here for them. *sigh* Thank you for a great read to start off my day.
Michele C. recently posted..Adventures in Henna Hair Color
Hi Michele, thanks for reading. It’s a struggle every day, but I do my best to give her balance. I really appreciate your comment.
That is such a wonderful post, Sean! Ava is an amazing young lady (it’s hard to think of her as a little girl when she comes up with these questions) and with one sentence can really make a person think. Then she turns around and giggles at a funny word you say and you just have to giggle with her. 🙂
For what it’s worth (and since I’m not a parent I’m not sure it’s worth much 😉 ), I think you are doing a wonderful job with her. It’s great that you teach her tolerance is the best attitude and that different people can believe in different things. Not enough parents do that nowadays … it’s usually their way, no highway option. You are a fantastic mom and have a fantastic daughter. Thanks for letting me be part of your lives.
Thank you Jenny!! She is a piece of work, isn’t she? I’m glad she has you in her life. You are such a great influence and she just loves you.
Oh my, that is a lot for a mama, a little one, and a bedtime routine.
You handled it so well though — joining her in the conversation exactly where she’s at.
Well done, mama!
Galit Breen recently posted..1502 Deerwood Bend
Thank you for reading, Galit. That little girl surprises me daily. I never know what she’ll ask me next. But I cherish each moment.
This post is amazing. As is your precious girl. You know that I am extra excited about it for a special reason… 😉
xo
Thanks Elaine. She is a pretty amazing little person.
This is such an awesome post! I too am an atheist — not because I was taught to be, but because I wasn’t taught not to be. My daughter is starting preschool in the fall – episcopal because it is a good one and I am sure she will come home talking Jesus and I will be totally clueless. I remember seeing Charlottes web and realizing my mother would die someday and her having that talk with me. I remember it vividly down to a christmas bell ornament hanging from a lamp I was looking at so it had to be around Christmas and her saying to me something about being around until she was an old grandmother most likely and that made me feel better because that seemed so far off. My daughter is 3.5 and doesn’t really get the concept of dead yet, but I dread it — in relation to meat that we eat and people that she knows. It makes me cry and I don’t know how to explain it to her. Ugh! I guess you just have to be honest that it is sad but that you plan to be around for as long as you can.
Susan Maccarelli recently posted..Buying Toddlers Shoes – 3 Tips To Make It Slightly Easier Than Brain Surgery
Hi Susan – It is a bit sad, but honesty, on their level, is a good way to approach it. I wish we didn’t have to deal with this issue as parents. It’s so very hard.
Oh wow. What a conversation. You handled it beautifully. The whole concept of mortality is such a tough one when it comes to parenting. I find myself walking a line between trying to treat death as a matter-of-fact thing so that it isn’t taboo and my kids understand it as a natural part of life – while realizing the idea of loss IS an upsetting concept and I don’t want my children to be anxious! One thing I’ve found helps my boys (when it comes up) is to talk about all of the things they will do in their lives – it seems to acknowledge that yes, we’ll die someday, but that it is far away…after you go to kindergarten and then become a big teenager and learn to drive a car and find a job and find someone you love and maybe have children and then become a grandpa. 🙂 That seems to alleviate any anxiety. I actually JUST had this discussion with my 4-year-old at lunch today!
Ellie {Musing Momma} recently posted..What I Could Write About Colon Cancer
Hi Ellie – Isn’t it crazy that they start asking about this so early? I just wanted her to stay innocent for so long… Making is matter-of-fact and natural is an excellent approach.
I love this post so much, Sean. I’m proud to have it at BonBon Break! xo
Kristin Shaw recently posted..I Surrender
Thank you so much kristin. I’m honored to be featured on BonBon Break!! Hope I can join you there again in the future.
I have a very logic-based mind too. I have a hard time believing anything without good reason and plenty of proof. Luckily, logic and religion are not mutually exclusive! You don’t have to pick based on what “feels right.” You can actually make an educated choice for Christianity based on facts.
(Though faith does play SOME role, since we will never fully understand absolutely everything. And this is good! I don’t need to serve a God who is no bigger than my finite mind.)
Anyways, I would LOVE to talk more about this with you. If you are interested, please send me an email. 🙂
Brittany recently posted..A Day In the Life Of
Thanks so much for the offer Brittany! I’m perfectly content in my way of life. It works great for me and I find my fulfillment in secular ways. 🙂
So glad I came across this post today. Thank you, thank you for sharing.
Sharon Tjaden-Glass recently posted..Bullying