Motherhood. Wow, what can I say? It’s been a wild four and a half years. Kind of like those four hazy days I spent in Amsterdam 10 years ago. Sort of. It’s really hard to explain to anyone who has never done this mom thing. But no matter how crazy, frustrating, heartbreaking or soul consuming motherhood can be, I’d never go back to the way we were BA (Before Ava).
I’ve written about committing to getting pregnant, to making that decision, but I’ve never talked about my pregnancy story. So, before my grey matter gets obliterated by copius amounts of red wine and mommy brain forgetfulness, I’m putting it out there.
When I panicked at 30 because I was getting too old to have a baby (yes, I’m a dumbass), I promptly got off the pill. I had an absolutely crazy 30th birthday weekend in Playa del Carmen the week before. It was kind of my Fat Tuesday, but for like, four days. Anywhoo, I expected it would be difficult and it was. Nothing for me is ever easy. For one, my husband’s schedule was very erratic so our love life was hardly erotic. It was hard to find the time and after six months of trying with no luck, panic again set in. I know some people wait much longer to panic, but I’m a planner. When I say I’m a planner, I mean to the minute, for everything.
Finally, one chilly February afternoon, my husband turned 32. He hates parties, but I planned one anyway. I gathered our friends at this pub we love to go to and we had way too much booze. That night, I swear I felt implantation and even told him so. I didn’t put too much thought into it because I had so much going on. I was getting ready to go on a zero gravity flight for my astronaut training job a few weeks later and we were also going to Vegas for the Final Four in early March. I was busy planning. Too busy to notice how much my boobs hurt and that the Divine Miss P had missed her punctuation date. And then, one day we decided to take a test. The day happened to be the morning before our huge Vegas trip with about 15 of our crazy drunk friends. Those double lines appeared and we both freaked out. Needless to say our crazy drunk friends were not so receptive to the news. I remember the words “ruining my trip” coming out of one of their mouths. Whatever.
And then it began. The morning sickness from Hell. And the cancelled zero gravity flight (I went the next year). And Ava had kidney problems in utero. We had to get ultrasounds every two weeks for the last two trimesters to make sure her kidneys were flushing fluid. It’s so heartbreaking to have a sick baby and not be able to do anything except wait and see. When my amniotic fluid was reducing too much, doc decided to take her early. I had an induction scheduled on the morning after a full moon. When it came time to go to the hospital, there were no rooms because of all the women in labor from all the weird moon gravity and shit.
So we went the next day at noon. I did all of the inprocessing stuff, got a room and promptly got my induction drugs. I’m not going into too much detail here, but let’s just say 25 hours and one serious panic attack later I had Ava by C-section. There’s a lot more drama to the story, but I’m not prepared for the fallout from putting it in print right now.
Almost five years later, I can honestly tell you that she is my light, my love and my world. I never thought that my daughter would be my best friend, but even at four years old she is. It’s incredible. Tonight we went to her pre-k spring recital. She was so cute up there singing her songs and reciting poems. During our intermission, the director showed a video of all of the kids telling everyone what they want to be when they grow up. I looked up and saw my beautiful girl on the projection screen. She said, “My name is Ava Elizabeth Wilson and when I grow up, I want to be a mommy.” I choked up pretty good at that one.
When we got into the car, I asked her, “So, do you want to be a mommy because I totally rock?”
“Yes, mommy,” she mused. “You totally rock.”
Thanks for visiting my stop on the Mother’s Day May Blog Tour 2011 from Christine at http://mylifewrite.wordpress.com.
Tomorrow, head over to http://www.rubberchickenmadness.com to read what Kim has to say about mommyhood.
Jessica says
What a terrible pregnancy but I’m glad she was okay.
And of course you totally rock and she wants to be like you.
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ChristineMarie says
Oh, good lord! Tissues! Get me some tissues!!
Thank you so much for joining the hop with us! Great post and I’m so happy you shared it with us. And even happier you were blessed with beautiful Ava! I, too, was induced and had terrible morning sickess with my girl. It’s the girls…they cause trouble from the beginning…then melt your heart with things like what lil Ava said! 😉
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admin says
Awww…didn’t mean to make you cry! I just love her so much 🙂
Cathy says
Such a great story. I love how our kids can melt our hearts in about 2.2 seconds. I just got back from my 1st grader’s classroom play. He asked me if I’d be there and of course I told him yes. But then he wanted to know if I’d sit in the front row. Awww, so sweet.
I remember it took me a long time to get pregnant with all of my kids, 9 months, one year, then 18 months. Needless to say I have a lot of space between my kids!
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admin says
I love watching her try to find me in the crowd from the stage. The look on her face when our eyes meet is priceless.
Jocelyn says
Wow… Tears are streaming down my face because of her answer. SO sweet! Awe… it makes me want to have a daughter now!!
admin says
Sorry to make you cry. I would love to have a boy one day. It’s a whole other world, I’m sure.
Alison@Mama Wants This says
Oh you made me cry!!! In a good way. Motherhood does that us doesn’t it? Happy tears, happy sighs.
So sorry you had a sucky pregnancy – it’s all worth it though.
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admin says
It actually wasn’t sucky. I felt great after the first trimester and loved carrying her. It was just the emotion of not knowing what would happen or how her health would be. Sorry to make you cry!